Posted by: aauntiem | June 25, 2010

Loud Silences

I am off for the weekend, leaving to go on my first camping trip ever.

Why we decided to make that first time be in the dead heat of the longest part of summer will be a question I shall ponder at 4 o’clock this morning when I can’t sleep for the heat and mosquitoes.

I am excited about the trip, about the baking, the fishing, the birthday party-ness and just hanging out with friends away from all the stuff.

But, this trip also means that I dropped my Luna off with Jay’s parents for the weekend.

Here is the thing.

Sometimes Luna’s whinny growl after we have been too long working in the office or standing in the kitchen causes my blood to boil. That sound it just gets under my skin like a crying baby does to a mother running on three hours of sleep.

And, I think, wouldn’t it be so nice just to have quiet and calm in this house?

But, last night amid camping prep, standing in my kitchen waiting for the birthday cake to bake the silence in my home was deafening and all consuming.

Picasso was at class. The tv was off. The only noise came from the hum of the dish washer and dryer as they ran through their cycles.

Suddenly, I couldn’t wait for Picasso to come home and for Luna to be making that awful squall.

The house felt empty and weird. And, even though if Luna were home she  would probably just be sleeping on the couch in the living room, snuggling under the quilt that is supposed to hang there but never gets the chance, I could feel that she was gone.

Then, when Picasso and I get into bed late last night after all the packing and goings-on of getting ready,  I noticed again how there was not a warm and soft little lump curled against Picasso’s underarm and touching my hand.

(Can you believe she is seven? That we are almost six? That she has gray in her beard?)

I can’t imagine what babies must feel like, how they nestle into the soul. And, I can’t imagine how a mother and father feel on the first night a baby, grown-all-up, goes off to summer camp or college or for love.

My uterus hurts. And there is so much sound but no noise.



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